Junior High

West Ham United v Fulham, Upton Park, East London, Sunday October 4 2009, 3pm.

Digest review due to time constraints.

Pre- and post-match entertainment involved a couple of pints either side of game at the Black Lion in Plaistow with Dave R and Basingstoke Paul. A problem with the membership card (a system issue, apparently) meant your exasperated egocentric had to queue at the box office to get a printed ticket, so Carlton Cole scored the West Ham opener on our entry to the stadium. If the home support was happy then, they were positively blowing bubbles when a big Fulham midfielder got sent off for apparently putting his hand into Scotty Parker's face.

Half-time mainly memorable for Stone Cold Steve Austin coming on the pitch to flog a DVD and fail to convince anyone really that he's a Hammer at heart. He went on about opening a can of whoop-ass and if that sounds stinky 'twas nothing to the opening ten minutes or so of the 2nd half when schoolboy errors by England internationals Matthew Upson and Robert Green gifted the visitors a 2-1 lead.

Thus followed a lot of huffing and puffing from the crowd, and more of the same from the actual team, although minus a lot of the passion and direction coming from the support. Dispiriting stuff, so by the time Junior Stanislas got his deflected equaliser it felt like a point gained and two snatched from relegation rivals rather than a couple of vital points squandered. Whether that feeling will remain come the end of the season, we shall see.

Parallax Premiership Ratings: Green 6; Faubert 5, Tomkins 6, Upson 5, Ilunga 5; Diamanti 6, Parker 6 (Behrami 6), Noble 6, Jiminez 5; COLE 7, Hines 5 (Stanislas 6).

The Strife Of Reilly

Eden Lake, Odeon Telford, Tuesday September 16 2008, 6.30pm.

A weekend break in the secluded beautyspot Eden Lake for Kelly Reilly's primary school teacher and her buff diver boyfriend (Michael Fassbender) gains nightmarish proportions when they become terrorised by a feral mob of local youths. James Watkins' thriller adopts the classic trick of using familiar horror movie tropes to address contemporary social concerns, in this case anti-social behaviour, knife culture, dangerous dogs and general all-round 'chav' fear.

The result is nasty, brutish and short, but nevertheless, in all senses, a bloody good film. The combo of social realism and intense, hyperdriven violence is an awkward one to pull off, but Watkins manages it superbly through ramping up the suspense and terror an extra level at judicious points. The film is also ably served by a starmaking turn from curvaceous ingenue Reilly, who manages to look magnificent even after being fully dunked in a tank of shit, and makes the audience care enough to carry them through to the heartstopping climax.

Forward Marches!

You can't beat a bit of bull-y on a Sunday night, so your bovine blogger has decided to investigate the burgeoning indie-rock scene in nearby cattle town Hereford. Last time your carousing correspondent visited there we remember little other than a drab 0-0 draw between the home town and Telford United, and making cows eyes at a phenomenally-racked barmaid with a twin strikeforce that put the then-Conference outfits to shame. There's clearly something they've been putting in the water since, as guitar thrills are currently spreading like anthrax in an area hitherto best known musically for Mott the Hoople and the dead half of The Pretenders.

Our favourite new band name this week belongs to How To Dress For Cricket who deliver hard rock beamers and may yet have some wrong'un's up their sleeves. Even more promisingly, Pencil Toes manage the impressive feat of recalling Lush with their spiky, spidery soundscapes. Meanwhile, Bayonets offer a slightly less subtle form of attack with their post-rock bombast shown to best effect on the atmospheric 'The Battle Of Hand And Heart'.

Of course, no scene would be present and correct without an iconic club night and an all-girl jazz/techno/dutch supergroup who confess to more enthusiasm than talent. But the act with best chance of breaking Hereford into the mainstream moo-sic scene is cheeky acoustic-pop scamps Rupert and the Robbers whose 'Bad Hour' is set to steal hearts with its swoonsome strum lovely enough to give down time a good name.

Nothing lasts for heifer but Hereford certainly seems to be a happening scene in the here and now. Just don't be asking me Wye, Reg!

In-Cistern-ed Rhythm

We've been mentioning it in despatches for a while, so with its physical release in stores now, it seems only fair to bestow the near-mythological Parallax View Single Of The Week status upon 'I'm Good I'm Gone' by Lykke Li. We could bore you with a long post about production techniques or a state-of-the-pop-nation address, but instead we'll just say we like this song because it makes us happy, so maybe there's a chance it'll make you happy too. To help you decide, here's a YouTube vid of La Lykke and chums belting it out in a toilet, complete with spoons and a rad reindeer jumper, and ending with a flush flourish.



And remember, pop pickers, don't forget to wash your hands!

Crystal Tips

The NME/Top Man New Noise Tour feat. Crystal Castles/Friendly Fires/Team Waterpolo, Carling Academy 2, Birmingham, Thursday May 8 2008, 8pm.

Due to your tut-tutting tinker's train being delayed by 35 minutes the first act of four tonight is missed. To sum up then - White Lies: don't do it.

Perhaps in deference to the demographic chased by the tour sponsors it's a young crowd tonight, resulting in a weird permeating smell of spearmint and germolene, and a youth behind your Fila-footed faffer stamping his feet in indignation that he's the only one present 'wearing normal Adidas'. Mind, the band's aren't much older these days, judging on Team Waterpolo's appearance, who confidently launch into their own welcoming, self-referencing nu-metal anthem. They prove difficult to pigeon-hole however, with emo, fraggle and sun-kissed pop amongst the strings to their bow. Think PWEI. Think The Wonderstuff. Think Silver Sun. Think The Pigeon Detectives. Then stop thinking for a bit because your head will be hurting, and just smile along to the blissful harmonising.

For those of you who are gnashing at the bit for some new material by The Rapture, Friendly Fires may just be your favourite new band. For the rest of us, their energy, attitude and enthusiasm may only get them so far in persuading us their inspiration is equal to their perspiration. They serve their purpose in generating some heat before the main band comes on, but will need to find some more distinctive tinder in their box if they're to be considered genuinely flamin' groovy.

Crystal Castles have no such difficulty leaving a distinctive mark, lead singer Alice announcing 'We Are The Top Man' before launching herself into the audience and belting out the stand-out numbers from their excellent debut album while lit up by constantly flashing strobe lighting effects. They bring a new musical hybrid to town, with the euphoric rush of rave music blending with anxious jittery post-punk vox from Alice, for all the world looking like a whirling dervish wildchild of Sid Vicious and Gaye Advert. The effect is like Karen O fronting Justice, supplying instant pop thrills and an amphetamine edge but subtly tempered with a fuzz of MDMA wellbeing for a smooth in-built comedown.