Junior High

West Ham United v Fulham, Upton Park, East London, Sunday October 4 2009, 3pm.

Digest review due to time constraints.

Pre- and post-match entertainment involved a couple of pints either side of game at the Black Lion in Plaistow with Dave R and Basingstoke Paul. A problem with the membership card (a system issue, apparently) meant your exasperated egocentric had to queue at the box office to get a printed ticket, so Carlton Cole scored the West Ham opener on our entry to the stadium. If the home support was happy then, they were positively blowing bubbles when a big Fulham midfielder got sent off for apparently putting his hand into Scotty Parker's face.

Half-time mainly memorable for Stone Cold Steve Austin coming on the pitch to flog a DVD and fail to convince anyone really that he's a Hammer at heart. He went on about opening a can of whoop-ass and if that sounds stinky 'twas nothing to the opening ten minutes or so of the 2nd half when schoolboy errors by England internationals Matthew Upson and Robert Green gifted the visitors a 2-1 lead.

Thus followed a lot of huffing and puffing from the crowd, and more of the same from the actual team, although minus a lot of the passion and direction coming from the support. Dispiriting stuff, so by the time Junior Stanislas got his deflected equaliser it felt like a point gained and two snatched from relegation rivals rather than a couple of vital points squandered. Whether that feeling will remain come the end of the season, we shall see.

Parallax Premiership Ratings: Green 6; Faubert 5, Tomkins 6, Upson 5, Ilunga 5; Diamanti 6, Parker 6 (Behrami 6), Noble 6, Jiminez 5; COLE 7, Hines 5 (Stanislas 6).

Top Mark

Wolverhampton Wanderers v West Ham United, Saturday August 15 2009, 3pm.

If we recall correctly this is the very first time we've watched our beloved West Ham United play the first game of the season in the flesh. Amidst rumours of rogue homefan hooligans looking to 're-introduce' themselves to the Premiership, we met up with Dave R, Basingstoke Paul, Brighton Ben and Jerry at The Royal Oak, a friendly hostelry about a mile from the station, the other side of the ringroad, to sup Guinness and soak up the sun in the convivial surroundings of the spacious beer garden.

A brisk stroll to the stadium saw us just about get inside the ground for kick-off, with the home support providing huge roars of support every time the newly-promoted Wolves came anywhere near the Hammers' penalty area. A fairly open, even game then took a dramatic twist when Irons midfield tyro Mark Noble was given all the time in the world by a ponderous home defence to pick a vicious, swerving, long-range shot past the despairing arms of Wayne Hennessy into the net to open the scoring.

The early deafening volume of the home support was instantaneously muted by this setback, a seeming mood of resignation enveloping the ground as the Hammers were unlucky not to press home further the advantage before Half-Time. There was a renewed sense of purpose when the Second Half started, however, but England goalkeeper Robert Green provided a stunning salvo of saves to puncture the enthusiasm before it even started.

The game continued, feeling as comfortable for the boisterous away fans as a 1-0 advantage ever can be, Collison missed a near-open goal to raise anxiety levels a little but what tension existed evaporated when central defender Matthew Upson appeared to rise effortlessly over the Wolves defence to nod a second goal halfway through the second period. The home side continued to press but with dissipating conviction, while the pace of Hammers sub Junior Stanislas unsettled the black-and-gold rearguard during the closing stages of the match.

In summary, so far so good for West Ham, with Zola and Clarke continuing to wring out every ounce of team spirit and cohesion from limited resources and a backdrop of continuing financial unease. Wolves will be disappointed at how quickly their belief and purpose slipped away after a promising opening, and will need to be sharper in both penalty areas to accumulate the points they need to secure Premiership survival.

Parallax Premiership Ratings: GREEN 8; Faubert 7, Collins 6, Upson 7, Ilunga 6 (Spector 4); Collison 6, Parker 6, Noble 8; Dyer 6 (Stanislas 7); Jiminez 7, Cole 6. Frank Nouble came on late for Cole, with little chance to register a mark.

Parallax Premiership Predictions

1. MANCHESTER UNITED

2. Chelsea
3. Arsenal
4. Liverpool

5. Everton
6. Manchester City
7. Tottenham Hotspur
8. Aston Villa
9. Blackburn Rovers
10. West Ham United
11. Sunderland
12. Wigan Athletic
13. Fulham
14. Stoke City
15. Bolton Wanderers
16. Wolverhampton Wanderers
17. Birmingham City

18. Portsmouth
19. Hull City
20. Burnley

Tristan's Handy*

Aston Villa v West Ham United, Villa Park, Birmingham, Saturday April 18 2009, 3pm.

Dead Kenny's annual journey to the Villa Park away game often involves more hope than expectation, with a narrow defeat in a scrappy game the median outcome, so fortification was required beforehand in The Wellington, where met up with Dave R, Basingstoke Paul, Big Ray and a sizeable Hammers support contingent, and real ales were quaffed and musings made on a season that is turning out significantly better than it might have done.

Indeed, back in December when the sides last met in a match shown live on Setanta Sports, the Hammers were hovering perilously over the relegation trapdoor, lacking conviction under the unproven tutelage of rookie gaffer Zola, while a victorious Villa looked set fair for Champions League qualification at the expense of better fancied sides like Arsenal. Four months later and a consistent second half of the season has seen West Ham pull clear of relegation torment and have realistic aspirations of Europa Cup qualification, while just one point in six games has seen Villa fall away dramatically from the Champions League placings to be just two places ahead of the Irons before the game kicked off.

West Ham started the game in more positive fashion than is the norm for away encounters, with a lack of composure in the penalty area preventing youngster Junior Stanislas from converting good approach play into goals. Trouble was, we were also looking very vulnerable at the back, with Robert Green having to look sharp on several occasions, and the home side's second substantial goal attempt was converted by Emile Heskey following a sequence of clumsy defensive work from an unusually wobbly back four. Villa steadily gained in confidence and threat as the half wore on, prompting Zola to make an atypical early tactical change, taking off James Collins for Keiron Dyer to partner the industrious Mark Noble in midfield, with Lucas Neill moving back to his regular full-back slot, allowing the impressive Tomkins to move into central defence alongside England international Matthew Upson.

The second half remained relatively open, with the Hammers working hard and gaining a reasonable share of the ball only to find attacking moves petering out in the final third, the veteran strikeforce of Diego Tristan and David diMichele struggling to retain possession against a resolute Villa defence. Many Hammers fans were crying out for Zola to sort things out, but instead of taking off the hapless Tristan it was DiMichele and Stanislas who made way for youngsters Savio and Sears. The extra movement from the young lads seemed to unsettle the Villa rearguard and Hammers started to dominate proceedings until who else but the hitherto negligible Tristan's head steered Dyer's drive into the net for a just-about-deserved equaliser. From this point, West Ham looked the more likely to edge in front, although Villa had a penalty shout which was the far side of your correspondent's viewpoint so, to quote Mr Wenger, I deed not see it. Given that Villa beat us in December with the flukiest deflection in the history of the game ever, no-one should feel sorry for them.

Decent day's work for the Hammers then, given that of the six starting players in offensive positions only Noble could be considered a normal first choice, while for Villa, as the away support mercilessly chided, Champions League they *are* having a laugh. Looks like both sides will be limping towards the season climax, Hammers literally and Villa metaphorically.

Parallax Premiership Player Ratings: Green 7; Tomkins 7, Collins 5 (Dyer 5), Upson 6, Ilunga 5; Stanislas 6 (Savio 6), Neill 6, NOBLE 7, Boa Morte 6; Di Michele 6 (Sears 6), Tristan 5.

*with apologies to the gentleman author Tristam Shandy.

The Strife Of Brian

The Damned United, Odeon Telford, Monday April 13 2009, 8.45pm.

The makers of The Damned United decided that David Peace's dark brilliant fictionalisation of Brian Clough's doomed 44 day tenure as gaffer of 'dirty Leeds' clearly wanted bloody shooting, despite the structural difficulties of filming a novel that was driven by an increasingly despairing and hugely controversial internal monologue.

Lacking privy to Clough's imagined personal thoughts but having access to TV footage from the time, the film seems a little more factual and even-handed than Peace's book, and what is lost in terms of stylised psychological torment is replaced by a stronger focus on the on-off relationship between Clough and his assistant manager and scouting genius Peter Taylor.

The resulting film is not without its flaws (erratic casting in the supporting parts and slight tendency to sentimentalise being the major contributing factors to an occasionally uneven feel) but remains a highly entertaining addition to the footie film canon, with an astonishing recreation of Clough by the ubiquitous Michael Sheen and strong supporting turns by Timothy Spall as Taylor and Jim Broadbent as Cloughie's Derby chairman making this compulsive viewing for anyone with even a passing interest in the green-jumpered gaffer.

Savio(ur)

West Ham v Manchester City, Boleyn Ground, Upton Park, London, Sunday March 1st, 12.30pm.

This is your fairweather fan's first foray into Upton Park for a Sunday lunchtime kick-off, a decidedly different atmosphere than normal with most fans getting to the ground at near enough the same time, and near enough all sober, and a snaking queue outside the club shop. A quick pint in the ground, where we spy the team formation on the club TV, with recent loan acquisition (and programme cover star) Radoslav Kovac, bought as a defensive midfielder, playing at the attacking head of a diamond formation in the middle of the park.

Both teams start the game in a relatively comfortable mid-table position after occasionally hazardous campaigns, with perhaps City in better form and spirits after a creditable draw the previous weekend at Anfield, while The Hammers have struggled to convert their good general play into goals since selling Craig Bellamy to today's opponents. These circumstances lead to an open game with West Ham working the ball well in midfield but City looking bright and dangerous when they get the ball in offensive positions.

The first half is a fairly even affair, Bellamy predictably getting a lot of stick on his rapid return to Upton Park following his controversial departure in the transfer window, and £30m+ superstar Robinho earning jeers of 'what a waste of money' with two gilt-edged chances spurned, one foiled by a smart, sharp stop from 'keeper Robert Green, the other comically spooned wide. Most of the concern came from the sad sight of West Ham's right-sided midfielder Valon Behrami stretchered off with what looked like a serious injury, which saw wunderkind Savio brought on for his longest spell in a first-team game since his £5.5m move back in January.

Savio plays on the left-side of midfield with fellow youngster and Welsh international Jack Collison switching flanks. This doesn't seem to interrupt the home side's attacking momentum and if anything the Hammers take a more commanding role in the second half. Two incidents in quick succession seal the direction of the game: Bellamy coming off injured (was lovely to properly wave the little so-and-so goodbye) and Savio, bought by the club as his replacement, forcing a good save from Shay Given which only served to push the ball in Collison's direction who cleverly hoisted it over the keeper's despairing lunge into the open net. Aside from a few dead-ball situations Citeh rarely looked like levelling matters and a welcome three points for Gianfranco Zola's claret-and-blue army sees us rocket up to seventh and today's opponents looking nervously over their shoulders at the relegation dogfight.

All in all a good solid team effort, predictably professional performances from Robert Green and Scotty Parker well complemented by youngsters Collison, Savio and James Tomkins who's looking increasingly assured in central defence and if anything made a more telling contribution than his England international partner Matthew Upson whose distribution was a bit off-key today. Kovac, making his full debut, appears to add height, presence and experience to the midfield mix, which is good news in light of an anticipated lengthy lay-off for the unfortunate Behrami.

Parallax Player Ratings - Green 8; Neill 7, Tomkins 7, Upson 6, Ilunga 7; Collison 7, PARKER 8, Kovac 7, Behrami 6 (Savio 7); Di Michele 6, Cole 7. Jonathan Spector and Walter Lopez came on as late subs but didn't have enough game time to register a fair assessment of their play.

Easy On The Sauce, Cupcake, This Is Serious

Happy New Year to all our readers, amazingly there's still a few of you out there, despite the sparsity of updates in the last few months. Unsure to what sort of degree that will change in 2009, but here's a few links to get things kickstarted and see where it takes us.

853 describes Ladytron's Velocifero (our favourite album of 2008 lest ye forget) as a damb squib, but gets most other things right reporting from the frontline of south-east London.

I Am The Crime is a cool Swedish music blog run by hot Swedish music blogger Cecilia.

Robyn Wilder reveals her Top 10 embarrassing childhood crushes. Includes Dudley Moore dressed as an elf - there's hope for Dead Kenny yet then, eh Robyn?

Meanwhile, an interesting art blog - At The Moment.

West Ham's Congolese left-back Herita Ilunga also has blog (albeit in French, malheuresement).

Matt Smith has been announced as the new Dr Who. We saw Matt in That Face at the Royal Court just over 18 months ago, and he's a talented actor with a lot of energy who should do well.

The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2008 (NOT SAFE FOR WORK) features a heavy smattering of former TV actresses like Neve Campbell, Mischa Barton and Eliza Dushku (gesundheit!).

Heather Locklear's mugshot. What would TJ Hooker say?

Worth seeking out on DVD...Alan Rudolph's surreal cartoonish romantic thriller Trouble In Mind available on R2 for the first time.

And finally...the results of the Music Bloggers Poll of Polls are in and again 7 of our Top 10 made the cut. Thanks again to Simon for compiling the chart.

King David

West Ham United v Newcastle United, Upton Park, London, Saturday September 20 2008, 3pm.

This is your credit-crunched correspondent's first game of the season, our visit to the Boleyn Ground happily co-inciding with Gianfranco Zola's first game in charge, providing an excellent opportunity to witness first-hand the start of a promising new era. Today's opponents Newcastle United are experiencing their own period of tumult, although in contrast to the Hammers' swift, transparent succession process, they find themselves in lengthy limbo, apparently no nearer to appointing their new gaffer than when Kevin Keegan walked out a few weeks back.

Both sides field makeshift teams due to injury and/or suspensions, with Zola experimenting with a 4-3-3 formation, swapping Julien Faubert and Valon Behrami around on the right flank, and moving skipper Lucas Neill to the centre of defence. Deadline day signings Herita Ilunga and David diMichele make their home debuts, and it's diMichele who makes the most immediate impression with an early blocked shot looping over keeper Shay Given into the net. This settles down the home team who establish a dominant pattern over the visitors for the rest of the half, with the lively diMichele doubling the advantage with some persistent play midway through the half. Newcastle look bereft of belief and purpose, their back four offering little resistance to the energy and workrate of diMichele and a rejuvenated Carlton Cole, and Butt and Cacapa looking similarly pedestrian compared to the industry and thrust of Scotty Parker and Mark Noble.

The second half is a little more competitive, but the game seems over when a scuffed diMichele shot steers the ball directly into the path of an onrushing Matty Etherington, who makes no mistake to establish a three-goal lead. Such a cushion is a rare treat for the team and supporters alike, the latter relishing the opportunity to roar 'You're going down with the Tottenham!' at the beleagured Toon Army, but high hopes for a clean sheet are dashed when some slack play gives visiting hotshot Michael Owen a half-chance at goal which he finishes with customary aplomb. This prompts a ten-minute spell where Newcastle exert some pressure on a suddenly quite edgy West Ham, with smart saves required from keeper Robert Green to maintain the advantage. The pressure peters out as the clock ticks by, however, and it's Hammers sub Luis Boa Morte who's presented with the best subsequent goal-scoring opportunities, both wastefully spurned before the full-time whistle puts the Geordie faithful out of their misery.

A fine start for the new Zola regime, then, with the tactical tinkering all paying off, diMichele winning the fans over with immediate effect, and a strong all-round team performance including Parker and Cole playing their best games we've witnessed in the Hammers shirt. The team's problems haven't disappeared overnight, and our away form and defensive concentration levels still need addressing, but our difficulties are put in sharp perspective when considering the woes of Newcastle, who face an uncertain future if their current lack of leadership, on and off the pitch, is allowed to continue.

Parallax Premiership Ratings: Green 7; Faubert 7, Upson 7, Neill 7, Ilunga 6; Behrami 7, Parker 8 (Mullins 6), Noble 7; Etherington 7 (Boa Morte 4), diMICHELE 8, Cole 7. Freddie Sears came on for Cole with a few minutes remaining, but not on for enough time to justify a rating.

Waitin' For Superman(ager)

S'pose it's about time your coughing correspondent delivers his verdict on the week's comings and goings at his beloved West Ham which saw gaffer Alan Curbishley resign after Anton Ferdinand and George McCartney were sold without his sayso.

Curbs' departure seems premature from the point of view he steered us to safety in his first season, despite a quite unprecedented injury list steadied the ship with a respectable tenth position the next, and had stewarded the teams' best start to a season for nine years this term. He's an experienced manager who can be relied on to deliver stability through dour pragmatism, but with enough knowledge of the West Ham traditions from his playing time at Upton Park to have a sense of loyalty and belonging to the club. It's sad to see him leave in such acrimonious circumstances.

And yet...Tony Cascarino was right this week when he said that Curbs had effectively alienated himself from all four stakeholders - the fans; the board; the media and the players themselves, and his position had become untenable despite some respectable results (40% win record over his tenure).

While many football fans will sympathise with a manager feeling undermined by lack of control over who comes in and out, Curbs is still unproven in terms of transfer dealings at the high end, and his own decision-making in terms of bringing in injury-prone players on ludicrously high wages makes it difficult not to agree the board have a point. Further, had he been more ruthless in shifting players out earlier in the summer the much-criticised timing of the Ferdinand and McCartney departures might have been avoided. Few fans were devastated at the prospect of losing Anton and George (both at best average Premiership performers who offer poor value to Sunderland at £14m imho) when better replacements were being mooted.

The board have shifted McCartney off the payroll for a pretty fee, and brought in a young Uruguyan international on an out-of-contract pick-up as well as a Congolese player on loan, and on the surface of things that looks pretty good business. Ferdinand's departure still leaves us six centre-backs, although minor injuries mean we'll be slightly short in that position for maybe one or two games. Crisis, what crisis?

Much will depend on who comes in to replace the boss, of course. The board appear to be looking for an experienced manager with coaching capabilities and familiarity with the continential style of management structure. Given that in modern football, the Director of Football and board make the decisions on recruitment and the players suit themselves as to whether they put in a shift or not, all that's currently required of a manager is someone to look equal parts dapper, troubled, enigmatic, pensive, inscrutable, mercurial and wise as he looks on at proceedings from the touchline before picking up his £2m payoff at the end of the season, victim of forces beyond his control. Someone who looks like The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne, in fact, so step forward Roberto Donadoni as the Parallax View manager of choice. Let's hope it ain't too heavy for him.

The Eighth Annual Parallax View Premiership Predictions

1. CHELSEA
2. Manchester United
3. Arsenal
4. Liverpool

5. Portsmouth
6. Aston Villa
7. Tottenham Hotspur
8. Everton
9. Manchester City
10. Sunderland
11. Blackburn Rovers
12. Newcastle United
13. Middlesborough
14. Fulham
15. West Ham United
16. Wigan Athletic
17. West Bromwich Albion

18. Bolton Wanderers
19. Stoke City
20. Hull City

Talk your own balls in the comments box provided.

Elvis Lives And Is Forever Blowing Bubbles Somewhere In A Field In Toronto

MLS All-Stars v West Ham United, Dead Kenny's living room via Setanta Sports 1, Friday July 25 2008, 00.20am.

The Parallax View business expenses budget didn't quite run to sending your scuttling scribe over to Toronto, but courtesy of Dickie Branson's Virgin Media empire got to see the full game beamed into my house via Setanta Sports. My beloved Hammers are still in relatively early stages of pre-season so wasn't quite sure what to expect from them, or for that matter the Harlem Globetrotters-style opposition, who have a 100% record against British teams in these games, and now include current England international David Beckham in their ranks.

The Hammers rested Craig Bellamy and Mark Noble and the likes of Upson, McCartney and Dyer were left at home to work on their fitness, but a starting XI that included Robert Green, Lucas Neill, Anton Ferdinand, Scott Parker and Dean Ashton should have proved competitive. Indeed, after a quiet start to the game, it was the Irons that took the lead when Dean Ashton caught the All-Stars defence napping and slotted smartly past the MLS keeper. Straight after, a similar move at the other end of the pitch saw Gomes equalise, the All-Stars then continued to shine for the rest of the half, culminating in a brilliant finish from Blanco after his movement left Scotty Parker on his backside.

The MLS All-Stars' extra fitness started to tell in the second half, but a hugely impressive Dean Ashton always posed a threat, and a speculative effort from the big striker took a couple of deflections before whizzing past the keeper to level things at 2-2. Again, though, this only prompted the All-Stars to step up a gear, and Lucas Neill remembered his lines from last season and lunged like a brainless oaf in his own area to concede a penalty that was duly converted. Villa reject Juan Pablo Angel had a great strike disallowed for no apparent reason, and Boa Morte missed a sitter after smart work from Parker just before the end.

It was a much better game than expected, hugely entertaining and played in the right spirit. Obviously any defeat is dissappointing but the fitness work will be hugely beneficial at this stage of pre-season, Faubert and sub Boa Morte both did themselves favours with their commitment shown, and rookie left-back Joe Widdowson didn't look out of place against Mr. Posh Spice. Amusing cameos were provided by Elvis blowing bubbles at half-time, and Boa Morte losing it big-time after being kicked in the head by an MLS defender, much to the evident amusement of the clearly not-too-concerned Hammers physio.

Parallax View Player Ratings: Green 6; Neill 5, Ferdinand 6, Davenport 5, Widdowson 6; Faubert 7, Mullins 6, Parker 6, Etherington 6 (Boa Morte 7); ASHTON 9, Cole 5.

Dead Kenny's Behrami Army

To celebrate our beloved West Ham finally making their first major signing of the summer in Valon Behrami, a Kosovan-born Swiss international right back, whose crazy hair and tats should see him fit in well with our long history of 'eccentric' full-backs, Parallax View sees fit to empty our favourites folder for you to pick 'n' mix -

More reasons to be cheerful as Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Jong shelve their debut album. Seems like an 8/10 rating from the NME doesn't amount to a hill o'beans these days!

We've cut back our gig/festival-going in the last month or so, but some good folk have put the hours in during our absence -

Drowned In Sound review Supersonic 2008.

Ben SWSL's Glasto 2008 Diary.

Sweeping The Nation reviews Truck festival.

Last Bus Home reviews the Lovebox Weekender at Victoria Park.

Troubled Diva reviews White Denim at Nottingham Bodega.

In other news -

Rock drummers are top athletes.

Attachments' Amanda Ryan is to play Cathy in Birmingham Rep's upcoming Wuthering Heights adaptation.

Twenty Major's cure for another boring summer.

Scary Duck on passive-aggressive notes.

Lydongate? Johnny's Behaviour Rotten? Swells on the 'racist' rickus (via RussL)

Careless Genes shows us how to make home-made peanut butter.

Birmingham's Flapper and Firkin faces demolition. (via Pete Ashton)

NOT SAFE FOR WORK eye candy if you like the idea of a Japanese Cheryl Cole lookalike with F-cup depth to her personality - Suzuka Ishikawa (20): REMINDER: NOT WORK SAFE.

M.I.A. and Santogold Get It Up together.

Cat With A Theremin (via just about everybody, it seems).

And finally, we did get to a gig last night, review to follow shortly, but here as a taster is one of the bands, Red Pony Clock, and their silly promo for My New Best Friends. If you like what you see/hear, they'll be playing the Indietracks festival in Ripley, Derbyshire this weekend -

Summer Night City

Richard Prince: Continuations @Serpentine Gallery, Hyde Park, London, Sunday June 29 2008, 11am.
Female Agents, Odeon Covent Garden, Sunday June 29 2008, 6.25pm.

Spent the first weekend in a while down in London, the first couple of days mainly taken with meeting up with and getting to know a certain voluptuous Brazilian online friend of mine, who, amongst other things, introduced me to the delights of pacoquinha, an intensely sweet hit of peanut taste textured somewhere between biscuit and fudge, good with tea or coffee as long as long as you have a sweet tooth!

Sunday represented an opportunity to soak up some culture, and went along to see the Richard Prince exhibition Continuations at the Serpentine Gallery in Hyde Park. Prince may be best known to alt.music fans for providing the striking sleeve art to Sonic Youth's Sonic Nurse, but, although there were a few of his nurse paintings included, as well as a drumhead autographed by Thurston, Kim and Lee from SY, the exhibition presented a broader overview of his work that spans over four decades.

Just as the nurse pictures are appropriated images from pulp novel covers subverted and fetishised by Prince, much of the rest of his work involves customising found objects such as car hoods, and in one stunning case, an entire Buick adorned with objectified images of naked women. Elsewhere, there are a series of photographs of cowboys and biker chicks, and Prince isn't even beyond appropriating other peoples' jokes, with stylised paintings featuring looped one-liner gags. The result is an impressive, arresting collection worth a half-hour's browse for anyone in London with an interest in modern art.

Then headed off on the District Line to Brick Lane, where visited Rough Trade East for the first time, renewed my taste for octopus, wine and chocolate dessert at a tapas festival and wandered into 93 Feet East where there was supposed to be an all-dayer happening, but found no punters to be seen or music to be heard!

A quick change at the hotel later and then into the West End to see Female Agents, which follows in the sly, saucy footsteps of Paul Verhoeven's Black Book by looking at the derring-do of undercover female resistance agents in World War Two. In this case, Sophie Marceau's crackshot recruits/conscripts some dodgy distaff divas into the SOE's female operative branch (known as, we shit ye not, FANY) to distract the Nazis in France long enough for them to help the escape of an Allied geologist doing important groundwork paving the way for D-Day.

It's fairly derivate stuff, suffering from some erratic levels of characterisation that means you don't always care as much during episodes of jeopardy as perhaps you ought, but it says much for the zip of the production and the committed performances from the game, gallic cast that, despite some obvious flaws, the resulting film manages to be thrilling and poignant for the most part, particularly recommended for filmgoers with equal levels of passion for wartime heroics and the female form.

Turned out to be a bad time of it for Germans all round, as got back to the pub beneath the hotel in time to watch the second half of the Euro2008 final in which Spain vanquished the 1996 champions 1-0 to become worthy winners of a surprisingly entertaining competition, a particularly welcome result given that many of the bar's patrons seemed to be Spanish or Portugese speakers.

School's Clout

The School/Flicklisten/The Puncture Repair Kit, Swiss Concrete @ The Bullingdon Arms, Oxford, Thursday June 19 2008, 8.45pm.

The Bullingdon Arms is a short taxi ride away from Oxford's main rail station, a smallish pub with friendly, fetching bar staff and a big backroom area where the bands play. Ben and your long-distance lurker meet up with a couple of the SWSLer's charming co-workers, and get waylaid watching Germany beat Portugal in the Euro2008 Q-F so only catch the last few songs from The Puncture Repair Kit. Their boisterous, slightly ramshackle take on indie-pop reminds your comparison-crazed correspondent of The Strange Death Of Liberal England, but we hope the rest of the set was less impressive because a) we hate to have missed out on anything and b) we'd just lurve to be able to say The Puncture Repair Kit flat-tyred to deceive.

Flicklisten is a guy who comes from Ohio but has lived in Oxford for four years, a singer/guitarist occasionally accompanied by a young lady who plays a violin shaped like a pair of scissors (a cut above the usual instrument, natch). He has a good voice, knows how to get a meaningful, sombre strum from his guitar, and has a droll line in tinder-dry banter, but his songs, on first listen anyway, are more interesting than truly memorable.

This last charge is certainly something you could never level at our learned friends The School, who've happily mastered the knack of catchy tunes addressing bold sentiments, embellished with 60s girl-pop stylings yet undertowed by savvy indie knowingness. They seem to be a Rosie and at least one Ryan short of the line-up when we last saw them, but Liz is in good, giggly form, describing Oxford as very pretty once you've found it, a reference to the maybe-Multimap-induced mayhem of their journey into the city. Of tonight's set, the songs from last week's Single Of The Week 'Let It Slip' ep prominently feature, there's a mystery cover version that no one gets, and the small matter of a dedication to their 'longest-travelling fan - Ken!' for their closing number 'All I Wanna Do'.

Your marathon-man mitherer hides his blushes for just long enough to grab a few words with Liz at the end of the show, as the band pack away their equipment in readiness for a trip to Spain for a festival performance. She insists the recent departures were amicable and not the result of a Mark E Smith-like hire-em-fire-em ethos, and reveals a new band member is forthcoming who will cover both instruments. Talking of covered instruments, we don't have to get our twelve-inch ruler out as Liz very kindly autographs our copy of the 'Let It Slip' ep before we wave her off to Spain. But not before she reveals an addition to The School timetable: a debut album due early next year!

Parallax Premiership Review

Have a bumper batch of gig reviews to catch up with, and some essential computer maintenance issues to contend with, so progress here at Parallax View will be steady and relentless but possibly not at the pell-mell pace you'd prefer. Just time tonight for a quick consideration of the Premiership season just gone, an exciting one for the neutral, and stuck in neutral was exactly how it felt to us West Ham fans, with the Irons forged to tenth spot for the last three months of the season. A term of stability was what was required after last season's legal turmoils and close-run relegation scrapes, but we'd forgotten just how tedious stability can be.

Still, we finished two places ahead of where Parallax View predicted at the beginning of the season, and finished above 'bigger' clubs like the Tottscum and the Toon Army. To see how well we fared in terms of predictions compare the final table with our pre-season punditry. We got the top two wrong way around, slightly underestimated Wigan and Villa and overestimated Spurs and Newcastle, but got two out of three relegated clubs right (Reading and Derby) and overall we were more right than wrong (particularly regarding the more things change the more they stay the same mantra regarding the likes of Spurs, Newcastle, Citeh and West Ham).

Which begs the question, is the Premiership getting all too predictable?

Fox In The Box. Or At Least That's What I Think He Said.

Star strikers come and star strikers go, but a young Raith Rovers hotshot by the name of David Goodwillie is likely to stick in the memory for reasons right and wrong. Goodwillie, apparently a master at keepy-uppies with a tendency to dribble unexpectedly, attributes much of his success in the box to what's stuffed down his shorts. Now now, ladies and gents, please calm down, his seedy secret is in fact that's where he's keeping his melons.

Whatever, but we can't help feeling that the deadeye dick will finally meet his match if he ever comes up against Quim. We're referring to the Portugese international goalkeeper, of course!

How Soon Is Nou

Keef's Stag Weekend, Various Bars, Restaurants, Football Stadiums, Clubs, Barcelona, Spain, April 4-7 2008.

One of the reasons for a quiet time here on Parallax View earlier this month was that your esteemed entertainer's presence was required on Keef's stag weekend in Barcelona. It seems rude to visit a new city and not post about it, although as is the normal way with stag weekends, events tended to proceed in an in-the-moment blur of food, alcohol, casual tourism and lively behaviour that prohibits too much in the way of detailed recollection.

Overall, the experience of Barcelona was a positive one and it's somewhere your jaded journeyman would definitely consider visiting again. The weather helped, bright sunshine throughout accompanied by a pleasing breeze, temperatures of around 20 degrees celsius contrasting with sub-zero conditions and three inches of snow back home at the time. Aside from the weather, however, the visit was distinguished by some fantastic tapas (including octopus!); some fascinating Gaudi architecture; meeting some lovely young women (including a gorgeous Asian girl from Brighton and a lovely lass from near Aberdeen) and a trip to the Nou Camp.

The weekend co-incided with Barcelona's home game with Getafe, for which we managed to procure tickets. On collecting the tickets the team coach roared past, too fast to clock individuals that well, although the overall impression was that all the players looked freakin' miserable. The Nou Camp (or should it be Camp Nou?) is an impressive stadium to be sure, but the match itself was an anti-climax, Ronaldhino and Messi were out injured and Thierry Henry looked far off the sort of form he showed during his Highbury heyday. Certainly nothing contradicted the notion that we were witnessing the tail end of coach Frank Rijkaard's controversial tenure.

Getafe dominated possession and chances during a dismal first half, but things picked up after the break although the home side's more fluid passing failed to trouble the scoresheets and the game ended 0-0. It would have been good to witness (and join in) some local goal celebrations but it wasn't to be, and it was still a good feeling to watch a match in such a famous stadium, particularly a domestic game that, at that stage, still had a possible bearing on the final outcome of La Liga.

Just Like I Like Them, They've Got Nice Hits

The Teenagers/The Scarlet Harlots, Bar Academy, Birmingham, Wednesday April 2 2008, 8.30pm.
The Long Blondes/XX Teens, Carling Academy 2, Birmingham, Tuesday April 15 2008, 8.30pm.

We've seen local lot The Scarlet Harlots named on many a Brummie bill but this is our first experience of the saucily-monikered sonic merchants in the flesh. Maybe it's the relatively early midweek hour or your hard-working hack's sobriety but their ska-inflected funk-rock leaves us peculiarly unmoved for the most part, although the last three songs sees sufficient improvement for your fair-minded fathead to want to check them out again, late evening on a club night preferably.

Whatever you say about the French, they're just about the only nationality that knows how to get away with a moustache, as with the lead crooner of The Teenagers who as an oueuf sex appeal to beat the egg-carriers in the crowd crazy. The Gallic indie-poppers are difficult to describe (like a boyband exposed to MTV2, svengali'd by Houellebecq and Gainsbourg rather than Simon Cowell) but easy to listen to, with tunes and hooks that would be all over the radio like a pustulent STD if only they didn't drop the 'C' bomb so plentifully in the lyrics.

More serious weblogs would no doubt explore whether The Teenagers are a grim reflection of a European youth whose misogyny has been greased and colonised by satellite TV and internet p0rn or whether there's more dark, ironic games undertowing the songs' playful exterior, but here at Parallax View we'll satisfy ourselves with bouncing up and down and singing along to the likes of 'Getting Better', 'Streets Of Paris' and 'Wheel Of Fortune'. And in the final analysis the number of young women clambering on stage to sing the distaff part to 'Homecoming' (so popular, it gets two outings tonight) would suggest they don't feel excluded from the fun.

XX Teens are unfamiliar to us, but they get our attention from the get-go with their tight, funky, maths-punk coming on like an anglicised !!!. As things go on, though, we find ourselves urging them to find a new angle and/or take it to the next level, but on tonight's showing, they don't ever quite manage it. Not having a Plan B isn't something you can fairly level at The Long Blondes who have re-imagined themselves in the mould of Blondie's more experimental moments for second album "Couples". Pre-release buzz for the record was a low murmur of discontent, but now that it's out for the world to hear more and more people seem to be responding to their new-found adventurousness.

It's certainly a tightly-packed Academy 2 in the long half-hour wait between bands, a gap perhaps partially explained by hometown boy Screech's concentration on the WBA v Wolves local derby ('The Baggies have just gone 1-0 up' he cheerfully announces). The Long Blondes quickly move on from Championship skirmishes to Premiership pop matters, however, with a set that packs in pretty much every track from "Couples" as well as dropping in old favourites like 'Once And Never Again' and 'Giddy Stratospheres' which could even put a smile on the faces of rival derby-day gaffers Mick McCarthy and Tony Mowbray.

Although all of the band have their moments, it's still lead singer Kate Jackson who commands the attention, this year's more understated sartorial suss seeing her wear a micro-sleeved black top that reveals a large tattoo on her right arm which provides interesting counterpoint to the elegant feminity of the rest of her look. At once slightly aloof and yet eager to please, she's a fascinating frontperson who even finds time to give particular praise to the venue (we're not entirely sure, but we think this is a first in our experience at the Academy).

It's good to see the band confident enough in their new direction and sound to plunder so much from it live during the first few weeks of release. Of the new material, next single 'Guilt' has impressively stealthy appeal, 'The Couples' stands out more live than it does on record, the mesmerising motorik mayhem of 'Round The Hairpin' really roars into life at the midpoint of the set, while 'Here Comes The Serious Bit' combines the best bits of both Long Blondes phases to pleasingly raucous effect. And 'Century' remains drop-dead gorgeous, one of the songs of the year so far, in its precise, glacial appropriation of the Blondie of 'Fade Away And Radiate', 'Rapture' and 'Call Me'. The bold, clear lines of the latest Long Blondes deserves just rewards now, before cheaper, tackier copies start flooding the market.

Still Smokin'

StrangeTime, The Rainbow, Digbeth, Birmingham, Friday March 14 2008, 9pm.

This is your bashful blogger's first venture into The Rainbow since staggering in for some much needed grub during the Supersonic Festival back in 2005. It's a longer walk from New Street than remembered, so just as well there's long-suffering Toon Army trouper Ben along for company during the hefty stride to the venue. It's a big sprawling pub that's had something of a makeover in the intervening three years, and the bands play in what clearly used to be a backyard with a new roof, with an adjoining can bar and an open-plan kitchen area where burgers and other hot sundries are being cooked.

It is, of course, not just the beef patties and onion strips sizzling once Kate Finch and StrangeTime arrive on stage in bold, if slightly belated, fashion. Technical issues with distortion pedals are brushed to one side as they launch into 'Profile' (aka their 'MySpace song' with the lines 'so you've guessed/I'm self-obsessed') from their new ep, and yet as technically impressive as some of their new songs are, it's one of their oldest tunes, 'Ex-Boyfriend', given an extra roar of feeling tonight that someone's ears must be burning (and we don't mean from the barbecue smoke, either) that seems to get the neutrals right behind them. Our normally reliable source, the good General Hubbub, advises us the band have won quite a few new friends tonight with no prisoners taken (including John's drumstick at one point) during a feisty, fiery set.

Ben and your hurrying hack then need to make a fairly hasty exit to Wok'n'Roll, a cosy, boutique Chinese restaurant with a karaoke adjunct, to say a boisterous bon voyage to Alison who's escaping her role as occasional gig-going companion to your socially-challenged so-and-so for a new life in Bristol. We hope the local shops have had advance warning to stock up on Haribo!

Now we know what you're thinking, it's all very well for Dead Kenny to go on hobnobbing hi-jinks in intimate, fashionable ethnic eateries, but what about the other bands on the StrangeTime bill that we've casually left in the lurch of potential internet obscurity? Luckily then for your unreliable uberpundit the good Baron has swooped into view to review the whole fandangle and ensure the completists aren't hard up for comprehensive content. Huzzah!

Deadly Sears

West Ham United vs Blackburn Rovers, Upton Park, East London, Saturday March 15 2008 3pm.

It's been a while since your Midlands-based mitherer has ventured to a home game for the Hammers, during which time his pre-match drinking buddies have found a new watering hole. Namely The Black Lion, which you can find by turning right outside Plaistow tube station and walking about 400-500 yards. This Plaistow public house doesn't contain anyone we could find by the name of Patricia, but does have an archway entrance; attractive, hard-working barmaids and a decent selection of real ales, including the always welcome Adnams' Broadside. Good to get an early result under the belt.

Manage to get into the ground just about on time for a change, to see the Hammers get off to a bright enough start, passing and moving with a reasonable amount of fluidity without much in the way of penetration. Scotty Parker goes on a good run but his final ball is poor and easily intercepted, resulting in a sweeping counter-attacking move that's despatched into the net by one-time Irons target Roque Santa Cruz. The home crowd tense themselves for another debacle (my beloved West Ham have lost three games 4-0 on the trot prior to today's game) but the players themselves seem to regain their spirit, shape and belief unusually quickly and the steadily churning pressure finally converts into an equaliser with Dean Ashton making Rovers' centre-back Samba look a bit gormless with a neat turn and finish past Brad Friedel.

Your cheerful correspondent amuses himself at half-time with a quick flick through the match programme, which contains some considered thoughts from gaffer Alan Curbishley, the revelation that American defender Jonathan Spector's nickname is 'Specs' (should've seen that one coming) and midfield kingpin Hayden Mullins confessing the one thing that really annoys him in life is Anton Ferdinand's face. Then it's a polite conversation with the trendy-looking geezer in the next seat and away we go with the Second Half, the Hammers continuing with most of the pressing, but with the visitors physical in defence and always looking threatening on the break.

The game is in danger of petering out when a clearly-not-yet-match-fit Scott Parker and an unusually ineffective Nolberto Solano are replaced by young local heroes Mark Noble and Freddie Sears. Eighteen-year-old Sears is making his debut, but his scorching form for the youths and reserves this season sees his introduction greeted with a huge roar of approval from the home support. Young legs and hungry hearts soon add a bit of zip to the game and the Upton Park faithful are soon rewarded when some more good work by Ashton guides the ball into the path of the onrushing Sears, whose initial shot is parried by Friedel only for the impressive youngster to follow through with a diving header that steers the ball into the net. Mayhem justifiably ensues with everyone seeming to feel they'd witnessed an iconic introduction to the first-team game of a real local find and former Hammers hero Geoff Hurst being shown on the screen joining in the celebrations.

The Hammers have to survive a few scares before the final whistle, a smart save from Robert Green and a woeful finish from Jason Roberts however means that the home side put a rapid halt to a potential mini-crisis and take all three points, just about deserved in a bright, breezy but largely unexceptional game that will be remembered mainly for the birth of a new Upton Park star. Freddie Sears may be short in physical stature, but his pace, persistence and presence-of-mind, if cultivated correctly by the coaching staff, gives him every chance of making a big name for himself in the professional game.

Parallax Player Ratings: Green 7; Neill 5, Ferdinand 7, Spector 6, McCartney 6; Solano 5 (Sears 8), Mullins 6, Parker 6 (Noble 7), Ljungberg 7; Ashton 7, Zamora 6. Pantsil came on for Ljungberg very late on, but too late to register a rating.

Feb And Groovy

In which we empty our pockets of loose change. Spend it wisely, readers!

In response to a request from Ben as to where you can get hands on a copy of David Byrne's cover of The Fiery Furnaces' 'Ex-Guru' here's a link to the mp3 and also details on how you can buy a copy of this goofy goodness.

Sweetness And Light:The Miki Berenyi Interview 2008. Miki's still so fine at 40, and contributing to a couple of new records (via Sweeping The Nation).

Steel yourself for the Iron Man trailer.

Yow, that's gotta hurt: Qui frontman David Yow hospitalised with collapsed lung.

Jack Nicholson on seduction:: 'I don't do any tricks. It's just animal magnetism.'

Chris Cleave's excellent novel Incendiary which features a troubled young woman learning to cope with losing her husband and child in a terrorist atrocity at an Arsenal game, has been made into a feature film starring Michelle Williams and Ewan McGregor that premiered at last month's Sundance Film Festival.

The Constantines release a new album Kensington Heights through Arts & Crafts on April 15.

Sad news emerging this month that the great J G Ballard has advanced prostate cancer.

This sad, too: Roy Scheider RIP.

RussL re-designed.

Health Warning: Don't Try This At Home.

Birmingham-based circus artiste Emilia Arata (picture borderline safe for work) supplied the eye candy for last month's Big Brother Celebrity Takeover yawnfest.

A cautious recommendation to What I Killed Today, in which a vet eulogises the animals he's euthanised. (via LMG)

On a much happier note it's full speed ahead for a new Ladytron album, entitled Velocifero, due out on Nettwerks Records on June 3.

And finally, a new music tip for 2008, in the shape of Laura Groves. Missed the 20-year-old Shipley lass's show last night at the Bearded Magazine launch party in Birmingham's Sunflower Lounge, but these songs on her MySpace page are striking and distinctive. The Kate Bush comparisons are inevitable, but, for once, pertinent.

Gig review ketchup soon, you saucy devils.

Nobby Style

Derby County 0 West Ham United 5, Pride Park, Derby, Saturday November 10 2007, 3pm.

The last time your sheltered scribe ventured into Derby he was but a young pup in the backseat of the family sedan while his parents had a row due to becoming quite seriously lost in the city's road system. Today am on safer ground hopefully with the rail station depositing your curious correspondent just a short distance away from The Brunswick Inn where meet up with Dave R, Big Ray and Brighton Ben and enjoy a couple of pints of Triple Hop which is brewed on the premises of this big, sprawling, quality boozer which appears to have become victim temporarily to a friendly Hammers fans takeover. It's then a quick fifteen minutes' stroll to the ground where we meet up with the lovely Jo, a friend of a friend of a friend of Dave's whose supplying me with a last-minute ticket following a dropout.

Jo, a telecom sales rep from Bedfordshire, seems to take having the company of a random blogging scamp in her stride as we take our seats for kick-off, and there's plenty of opportunity to get talking during a scrappy, edgy first twenty minutes or so with neither side distinguishing themselves in a period marked by the early departure of Hammers' left-back George McCartney through injury. Lucas Neill shuffles over to left-back to allow sub John Pantsil in at right-back, an introduction greeted with some excitement by Jo which one suspects isn't entirely down to his footballing ability. A free-kick from Nolberto 'Nobby' Solano bounces off the crossbar just before the half-hour but apart from that nothing much to report in a game that has 0-0 written all over it until Lee Bowyer pounces on a ball in the penalty area and slots it past ex-Irons keeper Stephen Bywater just before half-time.

As the second half starts Jo's feeling anxious about the scoreline, and tells me she wants at least two more. Your jaundiced journo keeps his doubts to himself at this stage, a wise move as West Ham step up a gear after half-time and Derby's abject failure to respond is pitiful. There's a couple of close calls with the front two pairing of Luis Boa Morte and Carlton Cole beginning to show confidence and understanding, yet it's a combination between Lee Bowyer and Matty Etherington resulting in the latter neatly dispatching the ball past Bywater into the net, that opens the floodgates.

The relief this cushion provides gives way to hilarity a few minutes later when a hapless County defender gets the ball caught under his feet on the line and only succeeds in tumbling it over to make it 3-0. Jo, being of the fairer sex, feels sorry for the Derby dunderhead but your guffawing guide is too busy laughing to feel similar sympathies. 'Same old West Ham, taking the piss' roar the crowd as our second-string midfield seem able to pass and move at will, Lee Bowyer helping himself to his second and the team's fourth with a piledriver finish to a clinical move. Nobby Solano caps a fine personal display full of wit and guile with an exquisitive free-kick that loops over the by-now-bemused Bywater into the net. Your tee-heeing tinker is now officially too busy giggling to report further on proceedings, but 5-0 remains the result at the end of the game.

It's difficult to see where Derby go from here but down back into the Championship. You get the sense from everyone at the club that they've pretty much accepted that this is the Premiership nightmare they must automatically endure as penance for last term's dream season. A shame, because Pride Park is a stunning stadium, the club has a fine tradition and there's clearly a sizeable fanbase here which should be sufficient to fuel a top-flight business enterprise. However, inadequate investment in playing staff in the summer seems inevitably to require at least one step back before they can again move forwards.

As for West Ham, 5-0 away victories in the Premiership are once-in-a-lifetime experiences so can feel fortunate as a part-time paying punter to witness a thrilling second-half display. While there's no doubt Derby are a poor side at this level, the size of the margin and the manner of the victory is heartening when you consider this was near enough our reserve midfield and fourth and fifth choice strikers playing. Matthew Upson looks increasingly imperious at the back while Solano and Boa Morte had their best games for the club since joining the East End outfit, so gaffer Alan Curbishley may be posed some interesting selection questions when the injured players hobble back into contention.

So, all in all, a thumping Hammers away victory, the pleasure of the company of a lovely young woman and the discovery of a great pub means that your philosophical penpusher at last has some happy memories to take away with him from Derby...

West Ham Parallax View Player Ratings: Green 6; Neill 7, Upson 8, Gabbidon 7, McCartney 5 (Pantsil 6); SOLANO 8, Spector 6, Bowyer 8 (Collins 6), Etherington 8; Boa Morte 7, Cole 7.

Jeremy Gawp

Maps/Jeremy Warmsley, Carling Academy 2, Birmingham, Saturday October 6 2007, 7.30pm.

In what is becoming something of an increasingly self-referential Parallax View trend your chaotic correspondent arrives at the venue just as the first support act finish the last song of their set. All we can relate is that there are quite a few of them and they made a pleasing post-rock din but due to the on-the-go demands of the weekend (the gig is sandwiched in between the Villa v West Ham game and going to see the Ian Curtis biopic) don't get the chance to do the research to find out who they are. Parallax View is very, very sorry.

There's something naggingly familiar about the second act as he makes his meek but quietly assured way to the stage, and your hapless hack lets his face drop slightly on the realisation it's Jeremy Warmsley again, who we've seen twice before (at Summer Sundae and supporting I'm From Barcelona) in the last seven weeks. Now the problem with the fact that there's a sparse attendance so far at the venue is that you're a little exposed to the artist and embarrassingly Jez seems to clock my aghast expression and keeps a close eye on me for the rest of the show.

If this ensures your busted blogger remains on his best behaviour the same can't be said for a young man at the front who'd obviously started the pre-gig celebrations a little earlier than perhaps he should, and is sadly making a bit of a dickhead of himself. Warmsley asks him to behave himself and then heads to the barrier and has a quiet word in his ear while keeping an eagle eye on your studious scribe at the same time. We called on our lip-reading expertise and can advise with no degree of certainty whatsoever that what he said to the unfortunate young man in question was 'see that bloke over there, you're going to end up in his blog if you're not careful'. These wise words don't appear to do the trick, however, and Jez justifiably drops his calm reasonableness for a marvellously stroppy 'oh, just FUCK OFF!' instead, before finally security takes the matter out of his hands and escorts the nuisance off the premises.

Perhaps it's the distracting circumstances making us more pre-disposed to giving Jezza a fair hearing, but we find ourselves enjoying his show a bit more at the third time of asking. He seems to get the balance right between the slower and jauntier numbers, but does frustrate us with telling us there's a good joke hidden in the lyrics of one of his songs, because your attention-deficited amateur just can't concentrate for long enough to get it.

Troubling eye contact isn't an issue with main act Maps as they make the sort of symphonies that induce your blissed-out blogger to close his eyes and wig-out to the pulsating waves of sonic splendour. There are people who get paid decent money for writing about music who'd have you believe that Maps can't cut it in the relatively uncharted uncharted territories of the live arena, but take it as read from this Parallax Viewer these idiots don't know what they're talking about. If tunes like 'Eloise' and 'It Will Find You' can inspire this unco-ordinated upstart to shake a limb then these rhythms are chancers that will prove that fortune always favours the brave. Top marks for the roadie wearing a Medium 21 t-shirt as well - further proof that not everything coming out of Northampton is cobblers.

Related Link: Sweeping The Nation's Friendly Chat With...Jeremy Warmsley from last year. He's had a haircut since then, mind.

Villa Filler

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 0, Villa Park, Birmingham, Saturday October 6 2007, 3pm.

It's a sign of the times that this fixture was the only 3pm kick-off on the Saturday of a weekend of Premiership football, and your busy blogger only just squeezed it into his schedule between beers with friends watching the first half of the England rugby game and the Maps gig at Carling Academy 2. Didn't feel optimistic about the outcome of the game right from the getgo, and was proved right with a second successive 1-0 reverse at Villa Park in a game that neither side could really argue they deserved to win.

Our group got to the ground a bit late so we missed West Ham's disallowed goal, but it would have been against the run of play in a first half which Villa edged with their sharper forward play. Danny Gabbidon made his first Premiership start of the season but was harshly adjudged to have given a foul just outside the penalty area and his misery was compounded when he deflected Craig Gardner's resulting setpiece beyond the despairing reach of keeper Robert Green.

The second half was busy and competitive with the Hammers dominating possession but neither side having much joy creating clear-cut chances. Mark Noble was rested on the bench today but Hayden Mullins and Lee Bowyer toiled to little effect in the middle of the park and in the absence of Dyer and Bellamy we're not in the position of luxury to leave out the one remaining player who can provide a creative spark, particularly on an afternoon where the wide players were undistinguished and our forwards lacked mobility (Dean Ashton, it transpires, was carrying yet another injury and will almost certainly miss the upcoming England games).

The major plus was the Hammers support, who again did the team proud with constant boisterousness that put the lifeless home crowd to shame. Nigel Reo-Coker came in for particularly harsh treatment against his old club following his troubled term at the Boleyn Ground last year - 'Paul Ince! You're just a small Paul Ince! You're just a small Paul Ince!' proving the refrain of choice in the away end. The fact the little twerp wound up on the winning side proved to be a real Reo-Choker in the end however.

West Ham United player ratings: Green 7; Neill 5, Gabbidon 6, Upson 6, McCartney 6; Ljungberg 5, Mullins 6, Bowyer 6, Etherington 5; Ashton 6, Camara 5 (Cole 5). Noble and Boa Morte came on as late subs for Mullins and Etherington but weren't on long enough to properly assess performance.

So You Guessed I'm Self-Obsessed

StrangeTime/The Elements/Reverie, Artsfest, Birmingham, Saturday September 15 2007, 2pm.

We don't know much about Artsfest but this much we like: free culture in a city near us, so who's complaining? While there's justifiable grumbles about poor organisation and inadequate communications we do get a second chance to see Reverie on the Kerrang FM stage after getting our first taste of them supporting The Kissaway Trial in Shrewsbury back in July. Perhaps it's the sun on our backs but we enjoy their mellow take on acoustic folk with a classical twist much more this time, even though they do seem to be puzzling the tourists somewhat.

On to the Custard Factory to catch up with StrangeTime who are playing the main stage there. Every StrangeTime live experience appears to have a distinctive element and this is no exception with the swimming pool filled in post-Supersonic giving an added water feature. Add in the baking sun and sound guys who look like acid-fried casualties and we could almost be in Ibiza, with Kate Finch & Co. supplying the rocks. There's another cock-up start to the rather ace new song they debuted at the Barfly gig and a girl on the pool edge only just manages to get the lens cap off in time to get the video footage rolling. We also get a brand new song about narcissistic Mitherspace fiends which features the rather excellent couplet 'So you guessed/I'm self-obsessed' while 'Personality Disorder' manages the seemingly impossible by sounding even better than last time we heard it.

Hang around a bit afterwards to glug Guinness and cappuccinos while chatting to Kate, John, Chris, Sarah Accident from Violet Beauregarde and aspiring stand-up comedian/poet Henry while listening to The Elements' slightly-better-than-competent-but-slightly-less-than-exciting back-to-basics Britpop. Also learn a valuable lesson in post-gig ligging - never volunteer for helping shift the band's kit, you'll always end up lugging the most awkward bag, but we get our reward with a pint in Scruffy's and the discovery that your correspondent's beloved Hammers have whelped the 'Boro 3-0 to register our first home victory of the season!

Related links:
RussL delivers his in-depth Artsfest verdict.
Pete Ashton asks: How Was *Your* Artsfest?.

Maps Prove Useful

Part Two of a Set of Three reviews from the Summer Sundae Weekender 2007.

Summer Sundae Weekender, DeMontfort Halls And Gardens, Leicester, Saturday August 11 2007.

Meander back onto the site about lunchtime feeling a little dehydrated after the previous night's alcohol consumption, so crack open a thirst-quenching but credibility-crushing can of Tango in the belief that there's no-one around to see and tell. On turning around, however, immediately bump into Simon who talks intelligently about music while your hoarse hack tries to avert his gaze from my childish choice of soft drink.

Manage to chug it all down before Ray and Deb arrive on site, and we stroll off to see The Falling Leaves on the Indoor Stage, who have their moments, and recall The Kissaway Trial here and there, but in general are as familiar and slightly depressing as the season of autumn itself. Some sunshine is in order then (have we mentioned yet this is the best festival weather of the year so far?) to catch the first few songs of teenage prodigies Kitty Daisy and Lewis who play with (and indeed, in the style of) their parents. It's pastiche, but done with style and gusto, and in the light of Amy Winehouse's success, you can't argue there's not a market for this sort of thing. Even so, your wandering writer slopes off to see whether The Lea Shores have finally started their slot over on The Rising stage. They hadn't (a last-minute switch to the Indoor Stage on Sunday, we later learn) so console ourselves with the warblings of Jeremy Warmsley a personable young man in search of that singularly defining tune, whose new material betrays a vaguely alarming ambition to be the British Rufus Wainwright. Jez, leave it.

Grab some food at this point and bump into The Prykemeister, but can't hear a lot of what he's saying because Jazz Jamaica are proving to be the loudest band on the main stage we can ever remember. Turn it down, grandads, or the overflying pigeons will be history! Peek back into the Indoor Stage to see recently-reformed indie veterans Cud try manfully to cope with the absence of their lead singer on premature parental leave by seeking volunteers from the crowd to take turns to sing ditties like 'Rich and Strange'. Simon Cowell, if he was here, would no doubt call it a shambles, and maybe it is, but it's an entertaining one nonetheless which seems to help bond the watching crowd.

Enjoy a quick pint with Ray and Deb before wandering down near the front of the Main Stage where former Arab Strap-ling Malcolm Middleton has just started his set. At our first Summer Sundae two years ago, Malcolm was one of the big hits on the Indoor Stage and, with the usual sizeable Scottish contingent present, it's a deserved elevation to the Main Stage to help promote his third (rather good) album 'A Brighter Beat'. Middleton breaks off at one point to say 'I didn't realise I swore so much...fuckin 'ell!' before eventually revealing the title of the next track, the rather-sweet-actually 'Fuck It I Love You'. Post-rock tinged celtic folk never sounded so good!

Back up to the Rising Stage to catch latest Mancunian hopefuls The Whip here to represent the Nu Rave movement for Summer Sundae. Not entirely sure about Nu Rave over at Parallax View although the Klaxons cover of 'It's Not Over' may be the thing that tips us over the edge into its favour in a kind of indie kerplunk fashion. Early doors The Whip seem a bit drippy but a steady swirl of sauce soon permeates proceedings and by the tremendous last number it's the moment the Summer Sundae turned DayGlo. Later find out they've been tipped as the new New Order, if had been aware of this before seeing them would have been disappointed, but taken on their own terms they're one of the revelations of the weekend. Indeed, the drummer seems so pleased with the crowd response she apparently flashes the bassist in celebration - it's good to see a rhythm section getting on so well.

The two big choices of the night were Maps vs Wild Beasts and Sophie Ellis Bextor vs Low. Dead Kenny opts for the co-ordinated ones and (sorry, No.1 Low fan Ben) S-E-B. Had heard reports that Maps were struggling to recreate the excellent debut We Can Create in the live arena, but on the contrary this was one of the highlights of the weekend for PV, genuinely mesmerising stuff with Eloise and It Will Find You the most vivid highlights. Sophie Ellis-Bextor divides the crowd in terms of how much is pre-recorded or not, but nobody could deny her entertainment value, alternating between chic and gauche with amusing regularity, and she can still twitch her tush to devastating effect. Enough anyway, to district your starstruck scribe from the sight of Kitty and Daisy of Kitty, Daisy and Lewis sat directly to our right.

Watch the first few numbers from The Magic Numbers but once they've performed 'Forever Lost' we make a move towards the Indoor Stage to see !!!, meeting the gaze of Kitty and Daisy again as they sit on the steps looking on (later discover they join The Magic Numbers for some of their encores). !!! have the cocky fucker from OutHud (remember them?) as their lead singer and he's in typically extrovert form during a frenetic show during which many people seem to be enjoying themselves immensely, even if we're not sure how many of 'em will remember much about it in the morning.

Try to meet up again with Ray and Deb in the Cocktail Bar, where your
confused correspondent thinks he spies the DJ Trevor Nelson. The doppelganger mistakes my perusal for some other enquiry and sidles over to me and says 'everyone seems to be having a good time, brother, whaddaya reckon?'. Not sure whether he thought your harmless hack was after a fight, a fuck or a score, but time for an f. sharp exit, a timeous text message leading the way to a rendezvous at the indie disco in The Charlotte. A couple of hours of twisting and shouting to the latest indie faves later, your duracell dunderhead still hasn't had enough and heads for the hotel bar for a double whisky and to check the football highlights.

My dazed reverie is however interrupted by a familiar cackle. Who should be lounging in the hotel with friends but the esteemed Mancunian punk-poet John Cooper-Clarke! If seeing him once meant we'd done good, and seeing him twice meant we'd done very very bad, what does seeing him three times mean? On that inscrutable enigma, retire to bed.

to be continued...

Feeding Frenzy

In no way a method of prevaricating further before delivering our Summer Sundae Weekender review, and in no particular order, let the linkdumping commence -

Page2RSS.com will create an RSS feed for this site so Dead Kenny won't have to. It's not hard work, just put the URL in the box provided and they will let you know whenever PV is updated. (info kindly provided by Pete Ashton.)

LiveJournal Community for people to share photographs of Abandoned Places. Wonder if LiveJournal counts as an abandoned place itself these days?

Unedited transcript of interview between authors Toby Litt and JG Ballard.

Birmingham's Pub Toilet Halls Of Shame And Fame.

Cronenberg's Eastern Promises to open London Film Festival on October 17. (trailer can be viewed here.)

Former West Ham player Jeroen Boere dies aged 39.

Cold War Quiz. The world seems to fall around your ears if you anything wrong. Is that how it felt for JFK during the Cuban Missile Crisis?

Another quiz, this time asking How Manky Are You?.

Sheffield's Letters and Colours have seemingly been washed away in the rain.

And finally...Telford thieves think big. That's really a haul of shame (via Phill).

Mark's The Spot King

Birmingham City 0 West Ham United 1, St. Andrews, Birmingham, Saturday August 18 2007 3pm.

It's your correspondent's first game of the season, and first ever visit to St.Andrews this afternoon to see the recently-humbled Hammers entertained by Steve Bruce's newly-promoted Birmingham City. Skipper Lucas Neill is still absent through injury but the game sees the club debut of recent signing and current England international Keiron Dyer in place of the crocked Freddie Ljungberg while Hayden Mullins and Matty Etherington take their places in the starting line-up replacing Lee Bowyer and Luis Boa Morte respectively. The player getting the most attention from the home fans however is Matthew Upson who moved from Blues to the Claret and Blues in controversial circumstances in January, and gets booed with every exquisite touch during the afternoon.

Birmingham fans would do well to concentrate on their own side's shortcomings, as there's precious little quality or invention to their play and they rarely threaten during a blah first half. More worrying for Hammers fans is that the expensively-assembled visitors don't look that much better, with full-backs Spector and McCartney looking ill-at-ease and new signing Dyer only fitfully involved. A smart save from West Ham's keeper Robert Green just before half-time whets the whistle for what must be a better second half.

Half-time news that the Tottscum are already 3-0 up in their game doesn't exactly help the interval tea go down (£1.40, football fiscal fact fans) but there's a bit of belief evident in the Hammers' play right from the off in the second half, with the pace and guile of Matty Etherington and self-styled bad boy Craig Bellamy causing the home side increasing anxiety. Young midfielder Mark Noble's never far from the action, and indeed he steps up to take the penalty when the Blues keeper rather naively upends Bellamy in the penalty area. The lad does good and coolly slots the penalty away to the huge relief of the boisterous visiting support. Further pressure yields no further goals, with Dyer guilty of dithering in a promising one-on-one situation with the Blues keeper. To be fair to Birmingham, they don't give up (unlike some of their fans, who start streaming out a full ten minutes before the end) but only really threaten during the set-pieces, so the Hammers manage to see out the rest of the game reasonably comfortably to notch the first three points of the season and ease the pressure on gaffer Alan Curbishley.

In summary, Blues fans must be pretty worried and face a long season ahead without some quality reinforcements to their squad. While there's no shortage of quality in the Hammers side, it's still to be seen whether Curbs can provide the motivation to get them to gel into a consistently effective unit. Certainly saw nothing to change Parallax View's pre-season predictions for both sides (West Ham 12th, Birmingham 17th).

West Ham Player Ratings: Green 7, Spector 6, Upson 7, Ferdinand 7, McCartney 5, ETHERINGTON 8, Mullins 6, Noble 7, Dyer 6, Bellamy 7, Zamora 6.

The Seventh Annual Parallax View Premiership Predictions

Given that West Ham's Premiership status remained under at least perceived threat throughout much of the close season, we never quite got round to a review of last term's campaign. Perhaps in hindsight the least said the better, particularly last year's predictions which were atypically poor (Liverpool as champions, Reading bottom, anyone?) with only the no-brainer of Watford's relegation completely spot-on.

A lot of money has been spent in the close season, but we could be faced with a situation of 'the more things change, the more they stay the same'. Can Darren Bent and a whizkid full-back really see the Tottscum bridge a huge gap between them and the big four last season? Are there really revolutions going on at Newcastle, Villa, West Ham and Man City or will all four again flatter to deceive? So your far-seeing football pundit had a bit of a think about it and came up with this shake-up -


1. CHELSEA

2. Manchester United
3. Arsenal
4. Liverpool

5. Tottenham Hotspur
6. Everton
7. Portsmouth
8. Newcastle United
9. Blackburn Rovers
10. Aston Villa
11. Manchester City
12. West Ham United
13. Sunderland
14. Bolton Wanderers
15. Fulham
16. Middlesborough
17. Birmingham

18. Reading
19. Derby County
20. Wigan Athletic


Hmm...seems we've still got it in for Reading.

Uncool List

First up, congratulations to my brother Mark and his wife Gabrielle on the birth of their daughter, making Dead Kenny an Uncle for the very first time, as Madonna might once have sung. In honour of this occasion, here are some other pressing deliveries...

Russ L on The Spotted Dog's spot of bother.

Ben fills his blogging boots with a Glastonbury 2007 diary.

The new Interpol record is a new Interpol record, and thus a mighty thing of wonder indeed.

Hitflip sent me a nice t-shirt.

Billy Bragg's doing his bit for jailhouse rock.

A new Peter Greenaway film is imminent.

Ambition novelist Nirpal Dhaliwal on Emily Parr's 'David Brent moonwalk'.

Robyn's still blogging. This makes us happy.

Simone Radway is a photography graduate based in Birmingham looking to assist fashion and portrait photographers.

This is where your correspondent will be at this weekend.

?

The new Paul Schrader film, The Walker, opens in the UK on August 10. Looks like a modern riff on his American Gigolo with Harrelson getting Wood-y as a gentleman escort.

Fingerjig is an online typing game (via Graybo)

Still game? Pac-Man's skull found.

West Ham Till I Die is Iain Dale's West Ham diary, getting a reputation for reliable pre-press scoop. This close season has been a little too close for comfort, if you ask me.

Drawing things to a full circle...10 things to do before you die.

Bucks Fizz

Belated congratulations are due to my local football team AFC Telford United who triumphed in the Play-Off Final of the Northern Premier League at the weekend with a 3-1 win away at Witton Albion. Formed from the ashes of the ill-fated Telford United in 2004 by a fan's co-operative, this is the second promotion since then and sees them on course to return to the former club's regular haunt in the Nationwide Conference within five years.

Can't pretend to have avidly followed the Bucks Head outfit's progress this year, having been to just 2 games this season - a dour but committed 0-0 draw with local rivals Hednesford on Boxing Day and their controversial 2-0 victory over Marine in the Play-Off semi-final - but the crowds being drawn (over 5,000 for the title decider with Burscough) are genuinely phenomenal for this level of football and indicate that if they were to graduate to League football the appetite is there amidst the town to support the team in that strata.

A big well done to everyone concerned.

Parallax View Verdict On The Andorra v England Game

Dead Kenny can exclusively reveal that the official Parallax View verdict on the Andorra v England Euro 2008 qualifier...was to switch over at half-time to watch The Apprentice instead (have given up watching England games in the pub cos the tears of frustration tend to water down the beer). Perhaps the most amusing bit of the first episode was watching the dopey quantum physicist grovelling to Sir Alan about misjudging the amount of milk needed to be ordered for the adhoc coffee vending project because she'd forgotten how much it 'frothed up' in a capuccino!

Still, Sir Alan Sugar (the man who, lest we forget, had the business acumen to get shot of the Tottscum) knew the score and saw through the nice-guy hard-luck stories of car salesman Andy, who, as project manager, was fired for failing in his responsibility to organise and produce results from a bunch of primadonnas with overdeveloped senses of their own importance following their own agendas at the expense of the team objective. Ah, if only Sir Alan was in charge of the FA we could be hailing a taxi for Steve McClaren right now.

Meanwhile, on the BBC2 tie-in programme You're Fired! that followed, my, erm, business interest was piqued by Sahar Hashemi, guest pundit and Coffee Republic co-founder, whose kind face and sharp fiscal brains could get Dead Kenny frothy, man! anytime...